Madrid is many things, but most of all: it's an enormous, vibrant and never sleeping city. I can hear you think: "Well, that's the definition of a metropole, Guaiana, what did you expect?". Honestly, I didn't know what to expect. I just thought, however it was going to be, that I'd adapt to it. And I did, just not completely. Let's not forget that this really is a small town girl living the big city life. 

This Spanish capital has a population of 3.2 million, and a metropolitan area population of approximately 6.5 million. Maybe you, just as many people all over the world, like to be absorbed by the crowd and lead an anonymous, calm and very private life. And that's totally fine, but it just not seems to be my thing, and that due to my personality. It kinda makes me feel like a number, unknown and just one of many. It makes me feel like you remain a stranger, that you can't entirely become a part of the place you live. You rarely run into people you know, and that might sound great for some, but I do not quite like that. When I live somewhere, I like to be able to build out a network, to meet someone new and see them again without planning on it, to enter somewhere and recognize some other people,... I know that is the mentality and way things go in smaller towns and cities, and that you're probably all thinking "it's just because you're used to it, you'll get over that soon", but I don't think so, because I genuinely enjoy it. Not only having such a network, but also building it, expanding it, tightening it. In a big city like this, I feel like that's very hard to do. You may go to the same school and try to build up a network there, but everybody lives in other parts of the city, sometimes quite distant from each other. Then, you go out in even another part, you do sport somewhere else, you go to different libraries, do different activities, etc. I don't say that it's impossible, but it makes it way harder and I feel like I'm not having enough time here to do that. 

Next to that, there's the constant hustle and bustle. How do people do that? Live with this traffic and lines and mass of people everyday, over and over again? It's true that you get used to the constant noise and the waiting time everywhere, but how do people switch off? I'm doing a lot sports (at least way more than I did back home) but I still got the feeling like I'm never, ever at ease. I miss nature. I miss the seaside. But most of all, I think I miss being able to see a horizon, without the view being blocked by buildings. 

Yet, what most surprised me, is how I'm constantly meeting myself. Before I came here I thought that I, as a 20 year old girl who has lived a moving life up to now, actually knew myself quite well. I have never been so wrong. 

In my head I was this adventurous, sociable and independent young girl, set on my goals and always happy to be on the road. Since primary school, I've always had the feeling that if I had to leave home behind to settle somewhere else and start a whole new life, I'd do it without experiencing any problem. I felt like I was so independent that I didn't have things that where strong enough to miss them so much that I'd want to go back, because I'd quickly find something else to fill up the hole these things left in my life. Maybe not entirely, but at least paving them a little bit. I still believe that if I had to leave a few years ago, it would've been exactly the way I've described. And that's because it's easy to fill small, shallow gaps. 

However, since I've grown older -meaning since last years of high school-, my roots seem to have grown deeper. I left behind the superficial, high-schooled-style friendships and the things that didn't deeply interested me, because that gave me a happier and more satisfied feeling. I've made deeper, more meaningful relationships with my loved ones and I've grown more fond of my surroundings and activities. I got more attached to everything. Coming here, I've learned that it's way harder to fill up deeper gaps, because you feel them a lot more. Way more than I thought you did.

Even though I think I actually knew all this somewhere deep inside, I did not quite realize that this had changed me as a person. That I should've revised the image of this girl in my head, because it might have changed her goals and dreams and independency, her personality. Until now. And I found it quite scary, to all of a sudden having to change the image I've had of myself for years and years, having to readapt the image I grew up with. But I'm starting to enjoy this sketching and searching. I may not grow physically anymore -haven't got any bigger since third year of high school-, but I can grow mentally as much as I want to. And I feel like I do, every day. 

Hey, it's not all sad and scary and hustling here! As I mentioned before, Madrid is many things. It's a very interesting and living city, where you always have something new to do or to discover. Being bored is quite hard actually, especially if you're so lucky to have found the wonderful, international friends like I did. Weekendtrips to Valencia or daytrips to Segovia, movie nights, dinners with raclette or sushi or special burgers, beerpong contests, grabbing lunch together, going to the pilates or ice skating or rollerblading, running (more like walking) a Color Run,... I could not have found better friends to experience this adventure with me together. And they all are a tremendous support when it gets tough at times, always ready to listen and cheer each other up. They are really making my Erasmus something I'll never forget.